I am pleased to reprint a taste of my guest post, published today on Alex Blackwell’s inspiring blog, The Bridgemaker.

“What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.”  Yiddish Proverb

I attended a laughter workshop recently.  I figured it was high time to experience something new, and hopefully take away some tidbits to add to my repertoire of coaching practices, healing and helping techniques.

I knew it involved some fake laughter which I was a bit skeptical about and uncomfortable with, but I figured I’d stretch myself past my discomfort and try it out.

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In thinking about transitioning and moving on, as I am about to be doing in my ‘retirement’ now, I think about this past year’s big change in having my daughter move out on her own.

Moving on takes many forms.  For Nava, my daughter with disabilities, it has meant her moving into a group home.

We as parents hopefully grow with our children.  It’s good we have many years to raise our kids so we get time to adjust to them, work through issues and make our own adjustments to situations. 

I’ve grown into accepting that this would be Nava’s version of moving out and on; that this would be her independent living.   She feels that this is her new life and that she is on her own like her sisters and friends.   And she feels great about it. 

When she moved she wanted to let people know her new address; and so we made up pretty “I Moved” cards.

I purposely don’t call her every day.  But when almost a week goes by and she doesn’t call and I ‘allow’ myself to call, I ask her why she hasn’t called all week and she says, “I’m independent now; we don’t have to speak all the time.”   We still haven’t negotiated a balance of checking in on the phone, but that’s O.K.  Her sense of pride and self-sufficiency is way more important than my need to have her call me more often.  Right now it’s on her schedule; another way of letting her be in control of her life.

My goal as a parent, specifically in light of the fact that I didn’t know how far she would be able to go, was to get  her to be as independent and as highly functional as possible.   I must say I feel good about my efforts and the outcome of her abilities.

A key parenting value has always been- and I’m sure it’s because of having Nava- to help our children be the best they  can be and reach their  potential  in whatever shape and form that takes. …

I did it – the big R word – Retired.  I submitted my retirement  papers to the New York City Department of Education.  Twenty years as an early childhood social worker.  I am actually leaving ‘early’, not waiting to reach maximum benefits.  So when my workmates ask me why, my answer is “because I want to”. I’ve been thinking about it for the past couple of years and this actually feels like an apropos time.

This past year was a transition to empty-‘nesthood’ as my middle daughter moved out to a group home back in September.   It would not have been too cool to have two major life-changing events take place the same year.   I had pretty much figured I’d stay to finish out my 20^th year; and as far as Nava moving into a group home, well that was up for grabs as she had been wait-listed for years.  This was when a spot became available for her.   So I’d say this is all pretty good timing.   

Getting back to the word, retire.  I don’t like that word, for me.  I prefer to conceptualize it as moving on, leaving to pursue other things.  And maybe even that new buzz word, ‘reinvent’ myself.  Although I’m not necessarily going to do something so different (although one never knows) – more coaching, writing, blogging, interviewing, book groups, workshops.   And of course  be open to what might evolve and present itself.   

It is a little scary.  After all, it’ll be the first time in about 25 years that I won’t have a structured job to go to everyday.  I  like what my coach told me recently – now I will bring forth more of my right side of my brain, the creativity, spontaneity and sheer openness to new possibilities;  and focus less on the left side, the structure  and predictability.   All I can say is, we’ll see how all this evolves. 

I guess that’s my word –  Evolve. …

I am pleased to reprint the beginning of my guest post, published yesterday on Tess Marshall’s wonderful blog, The Bold Life.

It’s often hard to know what to say to a friend or loved one during his/her trying times.  We don’t know the ‘right’ words.

We are uncomfortable with their pain.  We feel helpless.  And it certainly brings up our own vulnerabilities.

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I’m still reeling from the incredibly inspirational interview with Jeni Stepanek last week.  I feel drawn to continue a bit longer with this and hone in on one of Mattie’s poignant and wise- beyond- his years, comment.

“If you have enough breath to complain about anything, you have more than enough reason to give thanks about something.”  Mattie Stepanek   

If this powerful concept, stated from the mouth of a 10 year old, isn’t enough to make us take stock of all that we have to be thankful for, then we really need to shake ourselves up, take off those dark glasses and clear away those crotchety cobwebs so we can see where the light is shining.  We can then begin to illuminate for ourselves the good in our lives.   

We can always benefit from a reminder of being grateful and appreciative for what’s going right in our lives.   Even when things all seem to be going wrong.     

As a coping mechanism, it’s especially important to be able to see even the tiniest particle of light when all the lights seem like they were shut off.  We have to be able to hang on to something.  Sometimes that something is a hint of sun pushing through the clouds.

When my middle daughter, Nava, was hospitalized, in a coma on a ventilator, and darkness engulfed me, I remember saying a couple of  ‘At Leasts’.   “At least she’s in a great hospital; at least she’s got great doctors; (And that was just by chance; we didn’t get the opportunity to seek out the best doctors.)  At that time, that was my version of being thankful.

A couple of months later, when she was off the vent  and  I was able to feel and see a bit more clearly out of the crisis mode, I was able to get to the thankful part, a bit. 

I became thankful for each baby step towards survival – from waking up, to moving a finger, to being trached, to finally moving on to a rehab hospital.…

 … “Go forth vowing to choose gently, celebrating life each day.

 Go forth vowing to choose wisely, playing after every storm.”

 From “Choice Vows” by Mattie J.T. Stepanek

In Loving through Heartsongs (Hyperion, 2003)

I am honored to have the privilege of speaking to Jeni Stepanek, an incredibly courageous woman who lives life to the fullest, despite incomprehensible adversity.  Dr. Stepanek lost her 4 children to a rare form of muscular dystrophy, from which she herself also suffers.  Her ability to rise above these odds and create a life of meaning and joy is truly heroic.

It’s no wonder that her son Mattie became the inspirational peacemaker and poet who was chosen by Oprah as one of her “Most Memorable Guests.”  He continues to be a teacher to the world through his profound words of poetry; and Mom continues to carry forth her son’s thriving philosophy of life through her own teachings and work directing the Mattie J.T. Stepanek Foundation, spreading Mattie’s message of hope and peace.

What personal qualities have helped you carry on and move in a positive direction?

Faith. I believe there is a higher power; that God is present amid suffering as well as celebration. People are quick to say ‘thank you God’ when they win the game, but to say ‘where was God’ when they lose the game.  That’s not what God is about.  God is about being present with us in triumph and tragedy.  So I have a very deep faith.

I also think I have resilience – which is not the same as optimism, as in just keep a stiff upper lip.  Resilience is making a choice to move forward despite the fact that in all probability I will be facing burdens that are balanced in with my blessings.

The third quality I have is an incredible community of support.  If I can’t find a reason to take that next breath with purpose, there are other people willing to offer me a reason.…