“When my middle daughter, Nava, was diagnosed as having developmental disabilities, I went through this grieving process intensely; and I could not have done it alone.  I had the help of a wonderful grief therapist, Dr. Ken Moses. “

I ranted over and over again, I emoted intense feelings of rage, jealousy, bitterness and the Why Me theme over and over.   Dr. Moses and his office became my safe dumping ground for one year.  I unloaded the brutally heavy weight of negative feelings and he picked them up and held them all for me, gently and strongly, with compassion, while teasing out strands of thoughts, ideas and questions. 

For me the difficulty was in trying to make sense of the senseless; trying to understand an unknown, a fluke of nature.   I have always felt if I could understand something then I could deal and cope with it better.   Here (my daughter’s disability) was something that had no explanation, no reason. 

And so I went through the process of questioning in search of some meaning to my personal misfortune.  I had to make sense of it.   I was like Govinda in Hermann Hesse’s book Siddhartha, I wanted “something that I can conceive, something I can understand!  Give me something to help me on my way.  My path is hard and dark.”

Somehow, going through this therapy helped reduce my intense feelings of bitterness, anger and resentment.  There were no ‘real’ answers, but there was a gradual shift in my emotions.  Until I could work through some of these negative feelings, all I could see was darkness and negativity-  all that Nava wasn’t and all that she couldn’t do.  But gradually with the release of the intensity of pain, I started to see and appreciate all that she was-  with her smiley disposition, her hard work with hardly a complaint, her easy-going nature – all blessings of a soul.        …

This is a follow-up to my previous post on Loss. 

Before we can let go of what was and move on to the reality of what is, we first have to grieve the loss.   It is the confronting and working through of the painful feelings that eventually enables the freeing up of the bond to the loss and the subsequent movement ahead.   

The word grief comes from the Latin verb meaning ‘to burden’.  A grieving person is burdened with a heavy load of emotions.   

To allow ourselves to grieve is the hard part.  Nobody wants to feel these most intense painful emotions.  But it is only in the going through them that we can come through them to a place of healing.  I want to emphasize that this is a process, not a state or product.  It is not linear – boom,boom, boom – as if to say, ‘O.K. I finished my anger, now I can move to acceptance’;  it is fluid and we can flow through many feelings over and over again.  Just when we think we’re done feeling the rage of injustice, something may hit us and we’re back feeling the rawness of anger once again. 

These feelings are all normal and natural. 

We’re afraid that if we sink too low into the pit of the pain, we won’t be able to get out.  But in reality, it’s just the opposite.  It’s in the staying with them, feeling them and permitting their expression that facilitates the eventual healing.

Ram Dass in his book, How Can I Help, says it so beautifully: 

As we play the edge of our pain – gently opening, acknowledging, and allowing – the suffering it has caused diminishes.  If we further dissolve the boundaries, letting ourselves enter into the pain and the pain enter into us, we can see the possibility of going beyond it to where the heart is freer. …

As you know, I am fascinated with how people respond to adversity.    We all have our share of ‘stuff’, some seemingly more than others, but it’s in the How we go about living through it that is of great interest to me.  As I once read in a book called Why Me by Pesach Kraus, “some people become bitter, others better.”   Therein lies the challenge.  Change around one letter and you’ve got the key difference:  some succumb to the pain and get stuck in that deep dark well, others find ways to go on and grow and make something of their life despite/because of/ and through the pain. 

Turn back the clock just a bit-  I’m 18.  I remember the scene well.  It was a pleasant summer day at the park.  My friend and I were sitting by the water grappling with the question of how so much adversity could befall one person, his mother.  She had a son born with cerebral palsy who died in his early twenties in a car accident; one mastectomy followed by a suicide attempt; and years later a second mastectomy.   

We of course talked about the age-old philosophical dilemma of bad things happening to good people. 

But in light of the good life she eventually created for herself in her later years, our talks centered on her growth and positive outlook that she had been able to develop.  I was struck by how she could do it; how she could take all that bad and turn it around to develop positive directions in her life.    Unfortunately, I didn’t get to know her long enough to really explore this with her.

When I now think back to when this interest of mine began, I go back to this scene and to thinking about this woman.  This was one of those defining times. 

She suffered so much loss and yet she was able to rise above her misfortunes and build a good and meaningful life.…

Today I am the interviewee of life coach Laurie Wallin who specializes in working with parents of children with special needs.  I invite you over to 5 Minutes for Special Needs to read the interview in full.

Rebuilding Life – An Interview With a Pro Who “Gets” Us

Written on January 17, 2012 by Laurie

You know those stories we all tell about our kids’ care team professionals who don’t have a clue? The ones who clearly don’t know at all what life is like outside their 15-minute office visit with our child and her challenges? My guest today is NOT one of those professionals! Harriet Cabelly is a Life Coach who’s also a mom of a grown child with special needs. She specializes in helping individuals and families rebuild their lives – and grow into even better ones – despite challenges they face. I’m excited to introduce her to everyone here today!

Click here to continue reading:

…

“Don’t smother each other. No one can grow in the shade.”  Leo Buscaglia

Part of building and rebuilding one’s life is helping one another do the same.  

But what does Help mean?   Does it mean doing For someone or helping them attain the skills and tools so they can do for themselves. 

“Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” Chinese Proverb

I’m not sure how and why this phenomenon of protective parenting started.  The better term for it nowadays is helicopter parenting.  Also, bubble wrap parenting.  Both of them are great visuals. 

 We’re swooping down and hovering over our kids constantly.  And we’re bubble- wrapping them so as to keep them from getting bruised, hurt and dirtied up from the daily toils of everyday living. 

Is this stemming from our deep parental love, from our living vicariously through them, from our need for their success (and therefore ours as well) stretched to a ludicrous extreme of unattainable perfectionism, from our own guilt?  Whatever it is, this new parenting style has reached levels of narcissism and parental agendas par excellence.

Where is the child in any of this?

What are we doing to them?

What are we doing for them?

We’re surely not teaching them to live in this world.  We’re preparing them for a utopian world of perfection, silver spoons and beautiful wrappings; a world of entitlement, of “me-me” and of “not me”.  A world where personal responsibility and accountability doesn’t exist; a world where only ‘good’ feelings can be tolerated and bad feelings are submerged under thick layers of addictive wrappings.

What tools and skills are we giving our kids so they can grow up into competent and independent adults who can function well in the ‘real’ world?  

We all need heavy doses of resiliency so we can bounce back after disappointments and hardships and get back on the horse of life, galloping on forward.   …

I am pleased to share with you my guest post featured today on Alex Blackwell’s inspirational blog, The Bridgemaker.

“No one has ever become poor by giving.”  Anne Frank

I recently heard a rabbi give a sermon on Giving of oneself and doing good deeds (the Hebrew word is ‘hesed’ meaning loving kindness, acts of kindness).

I started off half listening thinking, one more speech on the subject.  But I started tuning in as I heard some new words being emphasized – comfort zone, personal agenda, narcissism.  The sermon was starting to have a different twist.  I leaned forward to listen with extra effort. 

 Click here to continue reading this post at The Bridemaker.

Thank you for stopping by to read this.  Please subscribe (if you haven’t already) and please share.  Comments are most welcome on either or both blogs – here or there. …