Harriet Cabelly, LCSW
Therapist . Speaker . Author
Time to gear up those mental and psychological muscles. My daughter, Nava, is going in for surgery tomorrow. Something else is coming out – 9 years ago it was the colon, now it’s the gallbladder. A very common surgery as we all know. But surgery is surgery and going under both the knife and anesthesia is a bit nerve-wracking. They’re hoping to do it laparoscopically but don’t know what sort of scarring they’ll find inside from her last surgeries.
Nava’s been expressing her anxiety about this surgery and my response has been what I ‘preach’ against -“don’t worry, you’ve been through so much worse, this is no big deal.” Wrong, wrong and wrong. This is not what to say. Of course it’s scary and a big deal to the one going through it. Where’s my acknowledgement of her normal feelings of concern? At lease I’ll have another chance when she comes home tonight for her favorite requested dinner of chicken cacciatore.
I’ve been having my own silent worries during sleep time, waking up the last few nights with that jittery feeling in my gut. Otherwise I’ve been playing it down for myself. After all I do know the life-threatening crisis she went through and this is no big deal, as long as it all goes well.
And that’s the key – not to let myself go to the worry of where it doesn’t go well, and start to conjure up the ‘bad what-if’ scenerios. I work hard at stopping myself from going there. It’s a waste of energy needed for what’s real at the moment and more important to me is it puts me in a ‘bad’ place mentally. Thinking negatively saps my strength.
How to stay in a relatively ‘good’ place before an anxiety-provoking event:
The carpet people are calling to me to come downstairs and have a peek at this wild thing I picked out. (that’s why it’s for the basement)
And tonight I will be telling Navi over dinner, “I know you’re nervous. Surgery is scary. Hopefully all will go well.”
Please share a tip (in the Comment section) which helps you stay positive, strong and O.K.
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I’m sending good thoughts to you all!
Thank you so much, Tracey.
Hi Harriet,
My eldest daughter had her Gall bladder removed by the lapa thingy, worked out fine…….so that’s a good thing. A grat point you make about only concerning oneself about things that you do have control over, everything else is with the Universe. I try to visualise the “result”, how great I am going to feel & be when the ‘procedure’ is over…….really visualise hard, the feeling of joy etc…..it will bring it into actuality, there will be no room for anything else.
be good to yourself
David
Hi David,
It’s good to hear other people’s success stories. Thanks for sharing about your daughter.
Yes, we have to let everything out of our control go to the universe.
I like your tip of visualizing the result and the feeling of joy when it’s over.
I’ll use that one too tomorrow when I’m waiting around.
Thank you.
Ditto on yur thoughts. Sending love you way . Alicia
Thanks so much for your good wishes, Alicia.
Surgery went well. Were able to do it laparoscopically
Hi Harriet,
Your tips for staying in good place are good. They can help you to stay calm through this event. And it is true what you say: it is standard surgery with not so much risk. In my experience, the time after the surgery require more conscious attention.
I wish you and your daughter all the best!
Hi Marc,
Thank you so much for your good wishes. Yes, the time after surgery, the recuperation, does require more attention.
They were able to do the surgery laparoscopically today; it went well. So hopefully the recovery period will be quicker and easier.
Thanks again. Nice to see you here.
Hi Harriet,
To stay positive I like to take myself our of myself. I imagine myself sitting high up on a cliff looking at the anxiety unfolding below on myself. From that vantage point, I will start feeling things in a perspective of the higher order. When that starts, it is quite easy to understand how we can be where we are without being very worried about things. In NLP we call this third opinion proposition.
Jimmy,
I never knew that this was a proposition in NLP. In fact I thought I had invented it myself (LOL!), and called it the technique of “Living on a Higher Plane”. I had written a post (Living on the Higher Plane) two years back, but had absolutely no idea I was reinventing the wheel there. Happens sometimes… a few years ago I had a great and unique idea (or so I thought), only to learn a few months down the line that Facebook had taken it too far already.
Well, that was off topic, but I’m glad I got to learn a new term today – third opinion proposition. Thanks for that!
Cheers,
Mark
Mark,
I’m also glad you got to learn something new from a comment here.
Hi Mark,
I think the industry has gone bonkers with terminologies. There are just so many terms regarding the same concepts out there. The important thing is that it works and helps people.
Hi Jimmy,
It’s funny, I just attended an introductory NLP class 2 weeks ago. I really enjoyed it and it made a lot of sense. But right now I’m not signing on for the full training course. It’s very costly, and I want to focus on what I’m working on and building now.
I like your image of sitting up on a cliff and looking down at anxiety. Very interesting perspective. Thank you for sharing this.
NLP is quite useful. But I feel that as practitioner we need to break it down into simple concepts and terms that the common people can understand. When the gurus start to rattle in their own lingo, that’s where I find that it complicated matters.
Hi Harriet,
All fabulous tips you shared and oh so true.
Harriet, my dad fought cancer for 42 years of his life. My Mom would get so upset at him when they would go to the doctor for a checkup knowing that he was going to inform them that yet another surgery was required and he would cat nap in the waiting room. Mind you, we almost lost him several times right after surgery so this was a life threatening situation each time. But he would always tell her to stop stressing and worrying about something you have no control over. It’s in God’s hands and you just have to trust that he’ll bring us through this. Every single time he did so although we can’t help but worry about our loved ones, you just have to keep the faith. That’s how I deal with things in my life and I have no doubt your daughter will breeze through this one as well. I mean look who is watching over her!
Thanks for sharing this with us Harriet and she will still remain in our prayers.
~Adrienne
Hi Adrienne,
So nice to welcome you to my blog and see your comment. Thank you.
How hard it must have been for your Mom and your family to deal with Dad for so many years. You really have to find and create those good times amidst the rough ones.
What a tribute to your Dad for having such a faithful and wonderful attitude. I’m sure that hugely contributed to his living on. What a great gift he gave you – a gift of positive coping skills when life throws those difficult curve balls.
And when it’s our time, it’s our time.
My younger daughter had a college roommate who died suddenly (within 5 days of contracting a rapid staph infection). My middle daughter, Nava, survived a life-threatening medical crisis. Both were intensely prayed for. The all-time question – Why one 19 year old lives and one 18 year old dies. Since these are the unaswerable Why questions, I believe, it was her time to be taken; and we can’t know the reason. But her time was up here.
After going through and witnessing Nava’s miraculous survival and complete recovery, I even more strongly place my trust in Him – whatever His plans are. It’s always up to us to Hope and Pray for the best that we would like to happen, obviously.
Hope to ‘see’ you again.
Hi Harriet,
A little late in wishing good luck, but very happy that the surgery went well. It’s great that they could do it laparoscopically.
I think you’ve laid it out well with the crucial elements – Lots of deep breaths (huge stress reliever), prayers (positive thinking), acknowledgement of the anxious and scary feelings, and most of all, engaging in things you have control over.
Doing the things you have control over should also include learning whatever you can about the situation at hand, consulting the people you can, and taking the possible precautions. Sometimes experts (doctors) can be selfish and very wrong. I know of cases where organs have been removed for trafficking, and surgeries have been done just for the purpose of making money. It’s best to do all that is in your control.
Mark
PS: I read about Nava’s life-threatening crisis after my earlier comment and realized that my comment about doctors being selfish didn’t fit into the story here. I’m so sorry about that.
Hi Mark,
Thanks for your good wishes. It’s never too late to say something sincerely. I appreciate it.
Yes, absolutely getting information, learning all you can about the subject, is empowering. We must be our own advocates. Doctors are not gods. They’re humans with a certain expertise. And humans, as we know, are fallible. It’s about doing what’s in our power and then letting go to the Higher powers.
Thank you for your apology but really no apology is needed. We all know how some doctors, as some in every profession, can be in it for all the wrong reasons; or can end up doing very ‘bad’ and unethical things. Look at pharmaceutical companies – it’s not always about what might be the best meds for someone, it’s about what turns the best profit. So we all have to check into what ‘stuff’ we’re given and taking.
Thanks for stopping by and engaging.