Harriet Cabelly, LCSW
Therapist . Speaker . Author
“Just sit with me-” Dr. Daniel Gottlieb’s words from my interview with him in my previous post. This really resonated with me. These are four simple words; and yet they are so hard to carry out.
I can vouch for that. When my daughter was in the intensive care unit on a respirator and I was sitting there day in and day out, I wanted people to just sit with me. There was no need for talk. There was nothing anyone could say that would “fix” her. Words were empty and meaningless then.
But people are uncomfortable with really awful and painful situations and naturally want to say things to make it better. But often there can be no ’better’ at the time. It’s simply the bad that it is. Nothing can be more comforting than just sitting with the person who is hurting and in pain.
Being there for another:
Be there. If you’re not sure if your presence is wanted at the time, ask. Open yourself up to them. “I’m here for you. Please let me know what you want or need. I am so very sorry. I don’t know what to say.” And you know what – in many difficult situations, there are no words to say. And even if there are, at the time of intense emotional pain, words don’t really penetrate. It’s the human contact of being there that matters.
Take your cues from them. If they talk, be a good listener. If they are silent, be silent along with them.
Recognize and feel your own discomfort and helplessness. Acknowledge it and then call upon your courage to stay with their pain without trying to take it away. Even saying, “I wish I could take it away and make it all better” is acknowledging.
When I cry, my husband gets very uncomfortable ; and it sometimes manifests as bordering on annoyance. And when I call him on it later, he says, “I didn’t know what to do to make it better.” Translation – he felt helpless. No matter how many times I tell him, “you don’t have to make it better; just hear me and understand,” it’s always the same. I guess that’s part of the Men are from Mars syndrome. Men like to fix and women like to be understood. But I believe in times of deep pain and sorrow, all humans, and for that matter, other living creatures, need to be held, both literally and figuratively. There’s plenty of time for words of advice and fortitude later on.
It’s about them. It’s not about you so don’t take things personally, especially at a time of hardship. Try to step into their world by simply being with them on their terms.
Silence can truly be golden Practice being comfortable with it. It can be a tremendous source of comfort.
I loooove your post! Okay so I might be procrastinating at the computer right now when I should be doing my paperwork but I am processing.
Pain is so difficult. Being there for someone , sitting with them… a hug, a dinner.. it means so much. Pain /suffering is not rational. No one can fix it. Just being with someone , without judgement, without talking means so much. You ring so true about men/people wanting to “fix” things. Some things can’t be fixed. understanding, compassion and empathy is what is needed.
Right on , Alicia. You got it. And it’s certainly not easy to do. But we can if we allow ourselves to just Be, with ourselves and with anothe, without running in for the rescue.
OMG, so much of what you say is sooo true.
Glad it rang “soo true” for you. Thanks, Beth.
When my closest friend was being treated for pancreatic cancer, I would visit her, watch movies with her, sing to her and just listen. I did feel helpless and uncomfortable. I wanted to make it better and tried to say encouraging words but that was not what she wanted to hear. This is hard to write because it sounds so selfish, but the hardest part for me was the anger. She felt more comfortable letting the anger go to me than her family members and I started to take it personally. We had many disagreements and no matter how I tried, I felt I couldn’t do anything right…which is all I wanted to do.
I understand it on an intellectual level but I still have feelings about it.
Yes, it is so hard. I could say to you, just know you did the right thing by being there, but we want to know that the other person feels it and is receiving from us the comfort which we’re trying so hard to give.
You write from your heart and I certainly feel you and your comforting intentions. But we also know that what we put out and what is picked up and taken in are not always in sync. We can think we’re giving out one thing and yet it’s interpreted or taken in a different way. Sometimes it can help to ask the person or check in with them if they’re getting what you’re wanting so much to give; and if not, what or how can we do it differently to meet their needs better.
Thank you, Rhonda, for sharing in such an openly honest and sincere manner.