Harriet Cabelly, LCSW
Therapist . Speaker . Author
I’ve got a few friends going through some really tough times now. And I’m feeling so helpless. I think of them and their situations very often and feel really awful. Thinking of them, feeling for them, empathizing, doesn’t cut it.
Yes, I know – Be there for them. But how does being there translate into action?
I reach out by calling and emailing but of course that just doesn’t seem enough. There’s not much concrete, hands-on help needed. It’s more the emotional aspect.
Listening a lot, saying little, acknowledging the difficulties and being encouraging by pointing out their strengths. I know the answer is in that all encompassing word – supportive.
What does supportive even mean? It means being a person who can hold up another through their ordeal. It’s being that pillar onto which they can lean and unload their heavy burden before it weakens them to the core. It means it’s a one-sided friendship (for now) where you’re connecting with them for their sake only. It can mean going through some pretty heavy darkness without rushing in to point out the possible light that they’re not yet able (or ready) to see. It means being with them where they’re at.
It means being a really good listener. And when they say, “I can’t keep unloading on you like this”, saying, “yes, you can, I’m here to listen, that’s the least I can do.”
Nobody can take away someone’s pain and sadness but helping them feel less alone while going through it is Huge.
I think back to when I went through one of the hardest times in my life – when my daughter, Nava, went through a near-fatal medical crisis and was hospitalized for one year. The visits, the calls, the talks, the cards, definitely helped in terms of feeling embraced by people.
I’m going to sleep many nights lately thinking about friend A, B and C and asking myself repeatedly “what else can I be doing?” It’s tough thinking about your friends really suffering. And then I think about simply being there for them by offering my supportive friendship. And the next day when I get in my car I call friend A and ask, “How are you, really?” because I really want to know.
Thanks for coming by. I hope some of this resonates for you. Feel free to share in the comment section and of course to share.
My boyfriend is going through some very hard times right now. He is having a hard time finding a job and is, once again, on the brink of homelessness. I’m trying to “be there” for him, but it’s starting to rip our relationship apart. He is pretty tired of hearing the “you can do it” statements and he knows that having him unload on me is emotionally heavy for me. I have no idea what to do except to keep my distance as he is kind of pushing me onto the outer parameters of his life…
Hi Adrianne,
A rough situation, needless to say, both for him and you. Sometimes people who are going through challenging times need space and seem to want more of a ‘back off’ from others. We can attempt to ‘read’ them correctly, but oftentimes that proves us wrong in our assumptions; or we can talk to them about it and get clarification as to what they want and what we can offer. Putting it out on the table honestly and talking straight about what your’e sensing, is sometimes the best way of at least trying to get an understanding of both sides. And sometimes the person going through the actual challenge doesn’t even know himself what he wants. Feelings can get all murky. It’s not the time to take things personally but I understand it’s hard not to.
Be there in the best way you can and when it’s too much for you, then take care of yourself as well. We can’t allow ourselves to run on empty by constantly giving and then feeling resentful or depleted. Then we’re no good to anyone.
Express your feelings, your desire to be there for him, and know this may be a time for him to sort things out on his own. Some people go inward during trying times. That too is a coping mechanism and one to be respected.
I wish you the best. Stay strong, grounded and be kind to yourself as well.