Creating Normalcy in a ‘Crazy’ Household

How do we attempt to keep a sense of normality where there appears to be none?   This is one  question that’s been gnawing at me since I saw the powerful off-Broadway play, BOB .

Bob suffers from mental illness and he grew up with severe acting-out behaviors.  Needless to say this took a huge toll on his entire family.  For “When mental illness comes home, the whole family has special needs.”

The family is played  by one woman, the real life sister of Bob, Anne Pasquale.  She portrays each member in Bob’s life in a 90-minute highly emotionally charged performance.

There is often tremendous fall-out on the other children, the siblings of the ‘ill’ child; sometimes to the point of creating ‘malfunction’ in the previously ‘typical’ kids.  This is the part that hit me hard.  Perhaps because I too have an {adult} child with disabilities, although not specifically mental illness.  It brought me back to some things I was very attuned to when raising my children, gratefully with the guidance of some wonderful  therapists.

How do we create some balance and normalcy when it seems like the household revolves around one person’s issues and needs?

1. By being mindful that the others – children and adults – have needs too.   If they get too neglected, more problems are likely to occur down the road with them.
2. By having open dialogue about the issues.  Bring the elephant out of the closet and Talk about it.  Kids have to have a reality base.  By not talking about it, things can start to look and feel fuzzy and they don’t know what’s real in themselves and what’s not.   Emotions are much more easily managed when shared and talked about than when stuffed inside and left to disappear.  Only they don’t really disappear; they rear their heads in other forms that can be unhealthy and oftentimes destructive.
3. By weaving in the times for enjoyment and fun, for the ‘regular’ stuff.  The problem is the problem but there is still all the good.  Bring it out and put focus and energy there too.

My younger daughter had to ‘shlep’ around to all her sister’s after-school therapy appointments.   That hour of therapy became our quality time alone to do fun things and for me to give her that one-to-one attention.

4. By setting limits for the person with special needs as well and not excusing all their behaviors on their problems.   A pity and entitlement household is otherwise created and resentment builds in the others.   And if there is truly nothing that can be done, then acknowledging to the others how difficult it is and how bad it feels at least softens the blow of helplessness.

 

Having said this, it is not at all easy.  There is tremendous stress, a sense of being overwhelmed and overworked, a sense of simply trying to get through each day.

But even small changes or shifts in focus and attitude can make a big difference.

 

Here’s my pitch for the play, BOB:  if you live in the New York area, go see this provocative and powerful play.  It does an incredible job of raising consciousness and awareness of the human condition known as mental and emotional problems.  You will be deeply moved.   It’s only running another two weeks, until October 6^th.  You can get tickets by calling 212-868-4444

Thanks for stopping by.  Please share this.  There will always be people with problems; our job as a society is how we view it, manage it and treat it.  They must be helped, families must be helped and they must be Embraced as members of our world.  Seeds of greatness and purpose can be found in all.