Harriet Cabelly, LCSW
Therapist . Speaker . Author
I’m trying to soothe my soul. It’s been deeply hurt. I’ve also inflicted tremendous hurt to a friend whose response in a Dear John email is that we are no longer friends and I am not to reach out to her again. She has cut off our 40 year friendship like a branch snapped off from a tree.
Actually we met some 45 years ago in school, were close friends for about 7 years; she then moved to the other side of the world and we were in touch periodically; and then about 7 years ago we reestablished ties and resumed a very close relationship.
I am one to look at my part, at my responsibility. I make no excuses; I did her a terrible injustice. She published a book about her mother growing up in Europe pre-World War II, whom I know well, presented me with one of the first copies, and I did not read it. It’s been over a year since I have it and it still sits on my night-table unread. I had told her I would read it in the summer as I had many books to read for my 5 book clubs I was leading at work last year. But no, I still didn’t ‘get to it.’
After reaching out to her a few times recently via phone and email, as I am going to Israel next week to visit my daughter and family and wanted to make plans to spend time together, as we always do, I got no response. I reached out again yesterday and finally got what I wished for- a response back with an explanation, but also with a shocking final statement that we’ve come to the end of our relationship.
No space left for apology, discussion, argument. A cold turkey ending. Whew, this hurts. This will obviously sit with me for a long time, this sadness, this loss. The loss of someone who knows me so well; the history, the future travel plans, the laughter, the appreciation and gift of a friendship reignited – all gone so suddenly.
I am guilty of causing a dear friend pain by not making time for her most meaningful and important accomplishment. I hurt her to the core. I accept complete responsibility. No excuses; I am wrong.
There were some other itemized points of wrongdoing on my part, but this was the last and most comprehensive- the one that cut to the core.
I want to offer this: We all let things go, small hurts or injustices to one another. We don’t want to bring up every little thing. We look away, in our attempts to be benevolent, knowing we all have flaws and limitations.
But when something is brewing and starts to get in the way of feeling good in a relationship, or resentment starts to build, that’s the time to speak up to the person and air the problem. It’s obviously not a place we necessarily want to go – to bring up a discomfort or bad feeling- but it beats the alternative of having something blow up in someone’s face or end up with nothing at all.
I am a straight shooter and prefer to be told straight on what the problem is. I don’t like BS and I’d rather hear the truth, even if it hurts, than some nonsense excuse. I like to know where I stand.
So if something is starting to bubble up inside and the relationship is important to you, bring it up. Talk about it, argue about it, do something about it. But don’t let it die. Relationships are what life is all about.
Relationships are easy when everything is sailing along smoothly. The real test is when trouble sets in, when misunderstandings occur, when wrongdoings occur, when mistakes are made, when hurts are inflicted – how do we handle it? What do we do with those difficult feelings? We can’t be mind-readers and we don’t always know how our actions and words affect another person. We need to be open to telling and open to receiving. That’s what makes for the authentic, meaningful and deep connections.
So please go out and tell your friend/important person what’s bugging you, if it’s a relationship you want to preserve. You might be surprised; it can bring in a whole new level of connection. When we’re able to grow in healing, we grow in closeness.
Thank you for reading. Check out Caroline McGraw’s website, A Wish Come Clear :http://awishcomeclear.com/blog/ She writes beautifully on the topic of relationships.
I’m sorry for the loss of your relationship Harriet, but I do feel that not all friendships are forever as we’re not the same person forever. I understand the guilt of not reading the book but it’s hard in life to do every single thing you meant to do. The phrase “too many books, too little time” was made for you my friend!
Hi Shazia,
Thank you for stopping by and reading. I appreciate your comment and your support.
Effective two way communication makes the world go ’round. I am too, guilty of some poor communication practises in the past. Makes you realise. We can take things for granted. Hopefully you can re gain this relationship after the ‘cooling off period’ expires.
be good to yourself
Hi David,
Thanks for commenting. Yep, communication is key, before it’s too late. I’m trying to weed out the lesson here.
Curious, have you now read the book? could it hold the answer?
Hi Andrew,
Thanks for popping by and commenting. Interesting comment – I don’t think it holds the answer though. But perhaps through learning of the character traits and culture of her mother, you might have a point there.
FYI, I just started the book last nite.
Hope to ‘see’ you again.
Harriet this so up my alley as you know. I tend to get my feelings hurt and walk away. I have learned in later years I have to speak up and you know I have done it with people ~ there are people you go to hat in hand and say, I made a mistake I’m sorry, I’m owning my part, but let’s move past it the friendship is more important than the fight. But there are many who can’t accept this. And then that is in their court. I am very close to several people who I hurt or hurt me and we got past it And there are many who would rather be right and wallow in their anger then be happy and connected. And there ain’t nothing you can do about that.
So you didn’t read the book. I have done things like that. I can’t tell you how many of my friends never read or mentioned mine. I get letters from strangers almost no friends.
As you move forward in this world you learn who your friends are. I have had several close friends who have wounded me deeply, and I’m sure I have wounded others, some are mended some stay broken. But as Shazia says sometimes things are just over. And we have to move forward. I know you had many great years, but she is clearly in a less evolved place than you are and she has made her choice, as painful as that is you must accept it and move one. You are a great woman, with a giant heart and is she misses that – her loss.
Hi Tracey,
Wow, I so appreciate your words, advice and of course your ‘realness’. I love what you say, ‘right and wallow… than happy and connected’. I think a lot of arguements and ‘righness’ is that ego business that Eckhard Tolle writes about.
Anyway, once again I thank you for your wonderful support.
Harriet, I’m always impressed with your ability to share (with strength and vulnerability) what’s going on in your life. I appreciate the reminder to ‘be straight’ with friends and talk about issues before they reach a breaking point.
Lastly, thank you very much for the link & the recommendation! 🙂
Hi Caroline,
Thanks for stopping by. Yes, I thought of you as a {wonderful} blogger on the topic of relationships.
That’s the key, to talk about the icky stuff before it reaches that breaking point. It’s obviously very hard for many people. This is the lesson- that by sweeping it away due to discomfort/fear or whatever, it has the potential to explode. And then what’s left is ashes. Sad; and preventable.
Harriet,
I am sad you lost a friend too. Recently I wrote something on friendship as well and experienced what you went through. But you know what, after seeing how some of my friends showed up and supported my wedding with their true well wishes, I am a bit more hopeful now with the friends I have so called lost.
In this sense, I think you should not give up. Just because your dear friend wrote you a dear John letter does not mean the end. If you truly one to, nothing can stop you from writing a brand new Dear Friend letter to her again.
Hi Jimmy,
I love your idea of a Dear Friend letter. My close friend Beth suggested a similar thing- that I at least go to bat for something I care deeply enough about. I might do it after the shock wears off and I can think and feel a bit more clearly. Although she did very explicitely write that out of respect to her I not contact her again. There’s a fine line between respecting someone’s wishes and knowing you at least fought for something so meaningful and not just let it go down without a fight. But I’m not sure yet how I feel about doing that. It needs to feel right for me.
I appreciate your support.
I’m also happy to hear you felt supported by your friends at your wedding day. It’s so important to revel in each other’s happy times.
Hi Harriet,
I see much of myself in your reaction. I couldn’t help thinking the punishment didn’t fit the crime. I have two girlfriends that I’ve known since I was 20…I’m almost 62 (Dec 22nd) now, so that’s 40+ years we have been girlfriends. I can’t imagine what I could possibly do that would cause either one of them to amputate our friendships. I do understand though from first-hand experience from my past that at times when someone in my life would touch a raw nerve without even knowing it sometimes, I would be so involved in my feelings that I all could think of to do would be to cut them off, withdraw my friendship, take everything off the table. It was my way of hurting the offender hoping they would feel as hurt as I did. People were often surprised at the things that would set me off and wound me to the core. With me, the deal was “loyalty.” My idea about that subject between friends and family was, “If you kill someone, I’ll help you hide the body” and anyone who fell short of that or wasn’t upset about what I was upset about was cut off, utterly and completely off, thereby removing the affection from that person as a type of punishment I guess.
We all make mistakes. For God’s sakes, I feel like “I” should have read the book. I believe that when we love people, whether they be close friend or family, the idea is to sort out that which has somehow gone askew, and allow people to express themselves, and if the need arises to forgive, do so. I tend to really get tough on myself when I do something thoughtless or hurtful and admit it readily. If there’s nothing I can do to take it back or make it go away I feel powerless, and that’s because I am. There’s nothing worth losing a good friend over. They are few and far between. Maybe your friend needs to sort out her priorities. I think you have done what you can, and I can’t imagine withdrawing affection over hurt feelings, but I have been there and have done that.
I have new and different problems now, just a tad bit better than the problems I used to have. I beat myself up even after I’ve apologized sometimes, but not for too long. I can’t control; what my friends think or how they react, but I can get ahold of how I react once I’ve done all that can possibly be done.
I don’t withold or take back affection anymore because it doesn’t feel good to me.It’s almost as if I used to be “queen baby ruling the world from my highchair, with my rattle as my septre.” I guess I’m more able to act like a grown up now at 62…and not a minute too late! Ha, Ha, certainly not an expert, but more able to take responsibility for my part in any discord and know I can only do the next right thing for me, and as much as I want change anyone outside of me, I cannot. Sometimes it’s hard.
Maybe,just maybe your friend will miss you (I can’t imagine why she wouldn’t) and she’ll be able to swallow the perceived hurt and sort it out. Sometimes people surprise me. I’ll think i know something and then something will happen to teach maybe I don’t know something. You’re the best Harriet! If she won’t forgive you, everyone else will! I have hope that she will have a chance to see what’s up and be able to put what she values in order, and continue a friendship that has lasted so long. (It has to be worth something).These days I don’t cut people off for what they do “to” me. I might cut them off if it’s about what they did “for” me. If they are not good for me I usually know ear;ly on and soon focus elsewhere, but old friends are keepers and I cherish them.
Best,
Sal
Hi Sal,
Thank you for your wonderful comment. You said it well, ‘the punishment didn’t fit the crime’ in my book (no pun intended here with the ‘book’). I cracked up by your line, “for goodness sake, I feel like I should have read the book”. So you should know you gave me a good laugh.
You write so many wise things. I truly appreciate it all!
It’s this sudden, out of the blue, ‘amputation’ that’s got me totally ungrounded. It’s just too bizarre.
You sound like you’re on a very ‘enlightened’ path of self-growth. May I recommend you read a book I just finished that I loved – “The Five Secrets You Must Discover Before You Die”, by John Izzo.
Best to you.
I came over from A Wish Come Clear and stumbled upon this very powerful post. Your story hits close to home for me, touching on events that have transpired over the past year. I hope that, if you wish it, time brings some level of healing to your friendship, or at least to your hurting.
I like what you’ve said about remaining open and really hearing what the other person has to say.
Hi Tara,
Nice to ‘meet’ you. Thank you for popping over, reading and commenting. I’m sorry my story hits home for you too.
Thank you for your healing wishes; I wish the same to you.
Hope to ‘see’ you again. All the best.
Oh Harriet, I am so sorry for the obvious pain this has caused you. I know exactly how you feel, having traveled a very similar road with a friend awhile back. I too was willing to “own” my part in the waning of the relationship and desperately wanted to repair what to me was probably one of the most important friendships of my life. Sadly, it never really improved no matter how hard I tried and rather quickly ended. It moved me to tears at the time, causing a huge amount of sadness in my heart. Oddly, almost 10 years after our estrangement, the loss of her friendship still causes me pain. I recently bumped into my old friend and it was so clear to me that she had actually tried to avoid our accidental meeting in a bank by pretending not to see me. After a brief, strained and obligatory few words we went our seperate ways…I was shocked to find myself moved to tears as I walked away… so many years later! But, in truth, both Shazia and Tracey are 100% right, life goes on, we change, circumstances change and we make new friends new relationships and if we are really lucky they last a lifetime or at the very least for as long as they are “supposed to”. I am blessed with some friends that I have had for 40 years, some for 20, some for far less, I have even been lucky enough to have one or two enter my life in my later years like gangbusters sparking a friendship that feels like a 40 year relationship in about a minute and a half!. Some are closer to me than others but they are all an important part of my life, and they all have a place in my heart forever…..All bring a smile when I think of them…but with this one former friend the smile for the memories of our shared past is twinged with just a little bit of pain.
Love to you my Friend..I hope that your friend feels the loss and moves toward rekindling your relationship..If not, keep the memories and enjoy the experiences you will share with other friends!!!
Hi Michele,
Wow, how beautiful! Thank you so much for your wonderful words. It brings me comfort. I’m sorry you experienced similar heartache with a dear friend. Those old time friendships are pretty irreplacable; and yes we can make new good friends but there is something pretty special about an ‘historic’ relationship, someone who knows you from way back when.
I certainly will “keep the memories”. I am still and I guess will be for a while, especially when I go to Israel next week, completely thrown for a loop as this is all out of left field.
Thanks again for your support. Love hearing from you.
Years ago I had a friend relationship end suddenly with no explanation. We did so so many things together. Hiking, biking, running, gardening. Went some way cool places, Taos, NM, ran the Honolulu Marathon together twice, Kauia, and many more places and good times.
Suddenly it was done. I asked her why. More than once. No response. At the time I had a real mixed up way of thinking about money and success even in the midst of all that experience we had and she had a way of looking at it a lot more like I do now. Money is not success. What you have to give in time, experience and sometimes money is.
I still feel bad about that relationship. I still think about her. It’s been 15 years. This post actually prompted me to write her again. It was that important to me.
Mahalo.
Hi Jt Clough,
I’m glad this post has prompted you to reach out to your ‘lost’ friend. I hope something positive comes of it. Please let me know.
These sudden endings are tough to swallow. You also had such wonderful times together, doing great things.
It’s the lack of communication that bugs me more than anything else; that boiling pot mentality.
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your {unfortunate} experience. Maybe some good will come of it now for you.
All the best.
Talking it out is essential to preserving an important connection with another person when both people see the value in continueing their relationship. It works! Truth no mattter the pain is essential to the changes and renewal of connections which are always evolving with caring thoughtful adjustments.
Hi Wendy,
Love your comment. Yes, truth is “essential to changes and renewal of connections” and that is what helps in our forever evolving and changing relationships. Thank you for this thoughtful comment. Glad you came by. Hope to ‘see’ you again.