Harriet Cabelly, LCSW
Therapist . Speaker . Author
I am very excited to introduce my first “highlighted” person, someone who has gone on to live a most meaningful and productive life despite tremendous adversity. Dr. Daniel Gottlieb is a psychologist, author and radio talk-show host in Philadelphia, PA. Thirty-one years ago he survived a horrific car/truck accident; he awakened as a quadriplegic.
I am grateful Dr. Dan agreed to speak to me around the theme of rebuilding his life.
What affected you and the way you came through?
“First and foremost was a loving, supportive family. Second, I had a large support network; I was always a social animal. Third, I had a career to go back to where I could help people, and the skills I needed to return to my career were unimpaired. In addition to that I had wonderful insurance and that’s a big factor. I was able to have nursing care at home and still do; I was able to get top of the line wheelchairs, vans and convert my house . That’s a big deal. So I had all those things going for me.
I think my learning disability helped because I always saw the world a little bit differently than a lot of other people.
I was always a compassionate person. From the time I was ten years old people used to come and talk to me.
Because of my personality right after the accident I was able to sit with people and listen to them and people were more open with me than ever before. They felt safer with me than ever before. And because of the kind of person I was, I was very open about my vulnerability. I talked about my pain, my suffering, my fear, my internal life.
So I think all these things helped. It was my ability to connect with people.
Courage/Strength
I feel like I had no choice. I didn’t have the strength to lie. I didn’t have the strength to pretend to be strong. I like to confuse people with that word. One of the things I’ve learned is It takes strength to look someone in the eye and say please help me. Most people think it’s the opposite.
I don’t consider myself a strong person. None of it is about Me, none of it. All of it is about blessings that have befallen, all of it.
Epiphany?
The first thing I had to decide was whether or not I was going to commit suicide. And I told my family I was going to wait two years and then decide. That epiphany was one of the most important in my life. But I knew when I said I want this, I want that, give me hope that I’ll walk or that I won’t be so sick . The voice back said no, no hope. Live or die; choose this life or not. And I chose life and I didn’t choose it because I was strong. I chose it because I’m a being and that’s what we do. For 98% of us, given the choice, we choose life, regardless. So I’m no hero.
What I have learned is that the more I’ve loved, the more I love. Any emotion, any behavior can turn into a habit. Hatred and despair are habitual reactions. And so is love and gratitude. And the more you love, the easier it is to love.
I am not at all confident that I’ll be alive to see the spring. Given that, this day is pretty precious. I don’t want to make myself out be the Buddha, because I ruminate with the best of them.
Self-pity or sadness?
I don’t do self-pity; I do sadness. I’ve had 3 or 4 episodes of major depression… but that’s way different from self-pity. I don’t do the ‘why me’. Although I do, I do the why me but I do it on the other side of it. I look at all I have in life; why me, what have I ever done . I look in my refrigerator, it’s full. I’ve got a comfortable home. It’s freezing outside and I’m sitting here warm looking out a beautiful window. What have I done to deserve all these blessings?
Advice
When I’m in a dark hole, I want someone who loves me enough to sit there next to me. And not tell me there’s light on the other side. Words are not going to do anything. And 90% of the time they’re going to be patronizing. And they’re also going to be a by- product of your own anxiety and helplessness. Just sit with me. Just have the courage to try to fathom what I’m experiencing. And do it with courage.
Pain heals on its own. We can do things to make it worse. You can pick at a scab or you can keep it in the dark, pretend it’s not there and you know what wounds do when they’re in the dark. They just fester and get infected. “
So Dr.Dan, when you bring light, you put it out there and it can start to heal.
To get further inspired, visit his website at www.drdangottlieb.com
Letters To Sam, Learning from the Heart and The Wisdom of Sam are his uplifting and beautifully written books on life lessons.
Beautifully said .Thankyou for sharing.
You are most welcome. I learn too and get inspired every time I go over his words.
Wow. Brilliantly expressed. Makes you think deeper and differently.
It sure does. And makes you appreciate once again.
This was a most interesting and inspirational post. Lots and lots of food for thought.
It is hard to see our love ones hurting. What Dr. Dan says about just being there and listening hit a cord with me. I will take that small piece away with me and hold on to it.
That is the true essence of listening – giving yourself over to the other person and being with them in their pain; or as we say, holding their pain.
Thank you for sharing this – he has an amazing way with words … I felt a sincere affinity with him whilst reading this. Today I’m going to count my blessings!
Yes, he has an amazing way with words. That’s why I love his books. I ‘ve used them in my book clubs, which I facilitate in schools with parents. They are very uplifting.
I too am counting my blessings, despite all of our griping about all this snow and ice here in New York and all over the east and mid parts of the country.
Hi, I’m new to this blog site and found it very uplifting. I am a 61-year-old woman who is still working ful-time as a medical transcriptionist at the VA Medical Center in Milwaukee. Over the years I have suffered from various levels of cliical depression sometimes resulting in yes…the awful term SI…i.e., suicidal ideaton. Thankfully I no longer suffer with that issue. Life is meant to be lived and no matter how bad it gets I try to remember that. I am also an insulin-dependent type I diabetic which also contributes to mood swings. In August of this year I took a fall and shattered my left femur which resulted in a hemiarthroplasty. It was as if one day I felt in a reasonable amount of control and suddenly I went from being fully independent to not being able to put on my socks or tie my shoes. Life threw me for a loop with that one becasue it happened in a blink and suddently I was out of work for 2 months on the slow road to recovery. I spent a month in a rehab facility where I literally had to learn to get up and get walking all over again. Inevitably it took me weeks to intenalize and admit how hard getting back up and living was going to be. I went into a major paralyzing-type depression which lasted for about 4 days…the worst 4 days I had experienced in memory. I felt I was at the bottom of a dark hole with no idea how I would crawl out. I started reading blogs on the internet and found Tiny Budda. It facilitated me in getting out of my funk and going back to work full-time. I have had to break things down into baby steps and count my blessings everyday. I thought at one point I couldn’t get out of bed and make it to work. All of the things that used to be so simple suddently seemed overwhelming.
Through reading about other people’s ordeals and how they’ve survived I have been able to break my day into smaller compartments and to monitor my thinking. I began to reach out and be friendly with coworkers and try to serve our country’s veterans in the best way I can every day…a day at a time…sometimes a morning, noon, and night at a time. In reaching out and becoming interested in others it has helped me tremendously, just something simple like asking how they are and about their loved ones, ect. It’s amazing how much we all have in common with our struggles. I am in the process of pulling out of this bout with depression currently and have been trying to learn from my daily lilfe. With effort and just plain stubborness I have intentioned myself to learn and live again. I have learned that no matter how much I want to isolate and give in to the negative thinking, that effort to do the simple things in front of me with the baby step measures has been paying off in ways I can see each day. I think I’m beginning to see the key to getting the focus off of myself and into others is a “safe harbour” in the storms my mind creates when left to wander and make myself the center of the universe. It gives me a sense of perspective. I need perspective. It reminds me of something someone once told me that I have never forgotten…”Feelings are not facts’and truly this too shall pass.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom,
Sal
Hi Sal,
Welcome! So glad you find this uplifting and I’m glad you’ve been helped through the Tiny Buddha blog. It is my favorite site. And Lori is the best.
Sounds like you’re on a ‘good’ path. It’s never too late to create a better life and live well. Sounds like you’re doing just that. I hope you’re proud of yourself. Many people just throw in the towel and blame it on age – “oh, I’m too old, or oh, it’s too late for me.” So I hope you’re reveling in your desire and motivation to learn, grow and change.
Our mind creates many ‘storms’ as you say but getting outside of ourselves definitely helps. Continue with your baby steps and don’t forget to pat yourself on the back numerous times a day.
I never heard that- ‘feelings are not facts’. I like it.
I look forward to ‘seeing’ you back again.
Until then… “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.”
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. It gave me a chance to think about how I tend to beat myself up instead of giving myself some credit for the things I do well…a very unbalanced ledger, if you will. I have a girlfriend who used to always tell me to leave myself alone…”Stop picking on yourself.” Those were wise words. I spend more than my alotted amount of time picking on myself. I got to thinking today about how I could have ever thought that ending it all could be an answer to anything. Depression unbridled can lead to some pretty scary situations. I guess what I learned through it all is that kind of thinking is not only devastatingly self-destructive to myself and those around me but it amounts to a sort of hissy fit with me shaking clenched fists at the heavens to the Power greater than me (which I can’t put a name or mental picture to…(who can possibly try to fit that concept into one human brain)? Yet I believe there is a spiritual side of this life which is ruled by a Power who for now shall remain nameless. In the days when I came to the conclusion that being gone would make it all better, I realized that it amounts to a spoiled child who wants to pick up their toys and go home because things aren’t going the way their sense of entitlement tells them they should be. I don’t have this…I don’t have that…I feel like this…I don’t want to play anymore.
Since I broke my hip hip in August it exacerbated some pretty bad feelings that were there to begin with (unbeknownst to me) I began to remember those dark days and found the ability to realize I’m not there anymore. However, that being said, I still have to figure out a better way to manage my depression and truly live my life productively. I find humor helps tremendously. Sometimes I just have to sit back, even in the middle of a day when I don’t feel like getting out of bed, leaving the house, getting dressed, or taking a shower, that I can find something funny. There is always something humorous, some micro-element or tiny kernal of comical persuasion about just about any situation if I step back a little and look at it. Some days it’s really hard, but nonetheless it is still there….The drama queen in me makes me laugh sometimes. Laughter helps. I’ve been known to laugh while shedding tears of misery on more than one occasion.
Today was a pretty good day. I went to work, was courteous and kind, attempted to step outside of my head, did the job I’m paid to do and made it through the day. I take little breaks at work and take my iPhone outside and read Tiny Budda. I guess where I’m at right now is trying to get the motivation back that I had before I broke my hip…the physical, mental, and spiritual motivation to accomplish the things that make me feel that life is really okay. Some days if I get through a day, a morning, an afternoon, and evening at a time and I haven’t offended anyone or taken my stuff out on them unconsciously, I’ve had a successful day.
Having a rountine like I do sometimes makes me wonder if it isn’t all just pointless. You work and then you’re gone. Those are the thoughts I have to fight because they have the power to rob me of all the meaningful “nows.” I have to constantly remember that the only place I can find strength in and live from is now. The Power is in the now. The Power can’t help me out with the past or guarantee any future imagined entitlements, but I can get help in the moment I’m in. It’s the only place where there is strength.
This blog has gotten me thinking about so many things…all the people out there if you look for them who are willing to share their lives with me who are perfect strangers…Truly truly amazing!!! I didn’t run into a million bucks, or find Mr. Wonderful, or drop 40 years off my age, or do any of the things my mind tells me would make me happy but I lived and touched other people’s lives while doing it.
Sal