Holding Pain And Goodness Together To Create A Good Life

Can it be okay that it’s not O.K.?

How do we adjust to what’s not okay – to what we don’t want, didn’t ask for and may not like?

We may feel that our entire life is that ‘something’.  It may taint every aspect, if we allow it to.  Which is why it is so important to work through the feelings of disappointment and crushing grief to the unexpected blow.

With time to allow the hard feelings to soften a bit, we can get to a point of AND. 

“I have this pain and sadness And I have this other good stuff.”  Can we derive joy from the other aspects of our life or does the ‘bad’ overshadow and overpower all else?  Can we even out the playing field at all?

The problem comes in when our problem area colors our whole life.

It’s not okay that my husband has no relationship with his daughter and grandchildren.  It causes him tremendous pain and sadness.  He lives with it not being okay at all.  At some point, he made the decision that he was going to have a good life despite.   And the hurt resides in him.

He’s come to accept what he can’t change, and create a good life with all that he does have:  good health, close stepchildren and grandchildren, very meaningful work, a great ability to enjoy the little things in life and have and create fun.

It’s not easy to hold in our heart the pain And bring to light the goodness, but in order to carry on and find renewed well-being, we must.

How?

• Don’t stuff the pain down inside.  Bring it out and express it through talking.  Find a good mental health professional.
• Give yourself permission to be human.  Allow yourself to feel the hurt when it creeps up.  It’s normal and O.K.  When we try to numb it and squelch it, it can become more problematic.
• Write down the good in your life.   It all may seem lousy when you’re going through something bad initially, but dig in, it’s there.
• Write down your goals.  It can broaden your perspective.  You can begin to look outward.
• Connect with your interests.  You still matter.  If you bring into your life something you enjoy, it can start a positive spiral up and out of that place of ‘stuckness’.
• Strong body is the foundation for a strong mind and psyche.  Take care of yourself.  Exercise and eat healthy.
• Focus on what’s working, what’s going well and allow yourself to feel the good feelings around that.
• Check in with your belief and thought processes.  Sometimes people can’t permit themselves to feel or take in the good.  “How can I possibly have a good time, or on a broader scale, a good life, when ……. happened?”
• Our response to what befalls us is all up to us.

 

I’m glad you came by.   So what do you think – can pain and joy coexist?

For more on this, read my interview with Ann Hood -Grief and Joy Live Side by Side.