Harriet Cabelly, LCSW
Therapist . Speaker . Author
I am so pleased to give you a glimpse into the making of a very wise and insightful writer, Lori Deschene. Ms. Deschene is the creator of the inspirational website, Tiny Buddha, and has built a huge community of followers of her daily blog posts that inform, inspire and help so many. She is the author of the book, Simple Wisdom for Life’s Hard Questions and has recently compiled her wonderful posts into a 5 ebook series.
1. What has enabled you to get to some of the most fundamental concepts of the human condition – pain, meaning, self-love, to name but a few – and write in such a beautifully simplistic way that resonates with us all?
Well, first, thank you! I’m glad to know my writing does that, and it’s especially flattering coming from you because of how much I admire you and your work.
I generally explore the issues I’ve dealt with, and I try to do so with honesty and self-awareness so that I really get to the root of those fears and struggles. I think that’s the difference between writing that’s compelling and writing that isn’t.
Anyone can write about pain and self-love with a sense of authority or removal, but what really resonates with us is recognizing our own feelings and fears in each other. That requires a willingness to be vulnerable.
On the other hand, vulnerability can be terrifying; but it also facilitates a strong sense of healing, understanding and connection.
As for simplicity, I usually write about everyday experiences and find the larger lessons in those. I think we sometimes forget the little things are the big things – I know I do sometimes. So I strive to shine a spotlight on those.
2. Going through your own personal difficulties, as you share so openly throughout your writings, has given you an ability to help and connect deeply with others. What personal qualities have contributed to this gift of reaching so many people in such an authentic and vulnerable way?
I’d say my emotional rawness is a big one. I am highly in touch with my feelings, which is probably why I do so many creative things; they need an outlet!
There was a time when I didn’t appreciate that I feel things so deeply (likely because I assumed deep feelings had to go hand-in-hand with over-sensitivity, which I’ve since learned isn’t true). Now I see things differently, because it’s that range of emotion that enables me to feel for other people.
Compassion and empathy are big ones, and they come from recognizing myself in others. I think the other side of that is that I want to receive compassion and empathy. I want people to see themselves in me, and appreciate our connectedness.
3. You have incredible wisdom as revealed in your written words. How, in your youth, have you gleaned such priceless wisdom?
Thank you! I’ve gleaned wisdom the same way I imagine we all do: I’ve hurt, and I’ve tried to learn from it so that I hurt less – and as a result, hurt other people less.
4. What are a few really important factors in creating a good life despite one’s struggles/difficulties?
Mindfulness– focusing to the best of our ability on what’s in front of us, instead of dwelling on what happened yesterday or worrying about what might happen tomorrow.
Connection– letting people in, sharing our struggles with each other, and enjoying each other so that our struggles don’t consume our lives.
Forgiveness/self-forgiveness – letting go of feelings of bitterness and resentment so we can create room for peace and joy.
5. How can we examine and observe our own lives so that we can live in a more conscious and rich way?
I think it’s about finding a balance between examining and just being. I say this because, as a writer, I have a tendency to overanalyze.
At times, this has served me well, as it’s helped me understand myself and learn about what I need to do to be happy. At other times, I’ve gotten too caught up in my head, trying to figure everything out, to really appreciate what was right in front of me.
To create a balance between self-reflection and action, we need to be mindful of how we spend our time so that we devote some of it to contemplative activities, like meditation and journaling or blogging, and some of it to engaging with the world.
It’s about creating space to learn our lessons and apply them – and also allowing ourselves room to be, explore and play in ways that enrich our spirit.
6. Your books are sprinkled with tips and show us different and new ways of looking at things. Please highlight one from each of these 5 books.
Tiny Wisdom: On Self-Love
Stop justifying your feelings. This is a reminder that helps me when I judge my emotions and then feel as though I need to explain them to other people – as if I’m not allowed to feel sad, frustrated, or anything else I might be feeling other than happiness. When we accept our feelings, it’s a lot easier to work through them and let them go.
Tiny Wisdom: On Happiness
Recognize we choose what we see. There’s a lot going around us at any given time, far too much to take in all at once. We can focus on everything we think is wrong with the world, or we can recognize everything that feels right – and in doing so, increase our odds of creating and attracting more of it.
Tiny Wisdom: On Mindfulness
Cling less and enjoy more. I wrote this post about my experience in Las Vegas. Surrounded by opulence, I recognize a stark contrast between that world and my own modest home and lifestyle. I’ve realized, however, that we can’t fully appreciate beauty if we’re trying to hold onto it all. We have to let go of that need to cling to fully enjoy what’s in front of us.
Tiny Wisdom: On Love
Treat people how they want to be treated. We all know the old adage “Treat people as you want to be treated,” but this disregards the fact that we’re all different – and we all want to be treated differently. When we consider the unique needs of the people we love, we’re better able to be there for them in a way that really helps; and we teach them to do the same for us.
Tiny Wisdom: On Pain
See the good in the bad. Research shows that people who identify lessons from painful events are able to move on more quickly because they can see their experiences as somehow useful, as opposed to victimizing themselves. If we can see the good in the bad, we can grow not in spite of it, but because of it, and improve our lives and ourselves in the process.
Lori has graciouslyoffered a free give-away of her new e-book series to one reader. If you would like to enter into the read-away random pool drawing on Wednesday, Aug. 22nd at 10 pm (EST), please share ( in the Comment section) an insight or slice of wisdom that helps guide and shape your life.
Hi Harriet,
Thanks for sharing Lori and her wisdom. Here’s a slice of wisdom that has helped me change for the better: You cannot change or heal what you do not acknowledge.
Alex
That is indeed beautiful…even saying the line slowly with your eyes closed can make you feel so better…’You cannot change or heal what you do not acknowledge.’.Thanks for sharing Alex.
Hi again, Fumingsalmon,
Glad you find Alex’s line/concept healing. Thanks for responding here. When people gain insight, it makes blogging and connecting all the more worthwhile.
Harriet
Hi Alex,
Thanks for sharing here. Yes, change can only begin when we acknowledge the problem. And then the work begins.
Thanks for the great interview, and the opportunity to win Lori’s e-books! The quote “we accept the love we think we deserve” has been a huge guiding principle in my life.
– Breah
Hi Breah,
So you’re the winner. Hope you’ve received Lori’s ebooks and are enjoying them. Hoping you’re accepting lots of love!
“we choose what we see” — amazing! So much of the pain in my life has been from interpreting events and other people’s actions and words as having a negative meaning. There are many interpretations of most events, and we can choose to be positive.
Hi LG,
Yes, we choose what we see. We choose what we focus on. Sounds like you’re on the path of positive sight and focus. That’s why gratitude journals or exercises are so helpful – even during difficult times, we can still find {some} good things to be grateful for and to appreciate. Check out Martin Seligman’s 3 Blessings of Gratitute exercise.
I have always enjoyed Lori’s posts on simple things in life, simple yet so important that it can make you term your life as ‘crap’ ‘satisfactory’ or just ‘awesome’. In this interview she has summed it all. Yes there are tough situations in life and we dont always get what we want and desire for, but being mindful, having connections and being able to forgive can make ‘life’ of a difference.
I recently read Lori’s post on ‘Its ok to be disliked’ and it was like someone held my hand and said to me that i am doing ok in life. Last few months have been a constant struggle for me where i have been trying to cope up as a new mom, trying to please in-laws and not being rude to their insensitive comments because i want to not to upset my husband. The article has given me a new perspective…and lead me to a creative thinking. Somewhere down in my heart I feel i will do better if put in similar situations as in past and be able to come out of situations where i can feel good about myself and not shamed of defaming myself to please others.
Thanks to people like you who can pen down feelings so well and sort it out for people who cant. God bless you.
Hi Fumingsalmon,
Your ability to recognize the ‘other side’ of situations will serve you well. Being a new mom is oftentimes a difficult transition period. Allow yourself this time to navigate it all. There’s a lot to adjust to – in-laws and ‘parenting’ comments as well. So much is in how we respond and what we take in as personal.
Best to you.
Harriet
I got a DUI two years ago, after just moving to Arizona. I wasn’t working yet. And haven’t since. Things are difficult. We couldn’t afford the insurance to sustain my continuing to drive, so we sold my car. Our income is low and my husband is considering getting a second job. Things are difficult, and I often feel overwhelemed by the guilt of a poor decision I made, and the consequences for the people who I love and love me. Sometimes, it feels there will be no end to our struggling. But, I am blessed. The evening of my arrest could have had been much more tragic if I had hurt or killed someone. I am grateful. My husband is working, and never blames me for our situation. He is willing to do what needs to be done by getting a second job, Without complaint. My mother lives with us, and in her golden years, shall we say, I am with her. And I felt stuck for so long. Then reading not only Ms, Deschene’s blog, but her book Tiny Buddha Simple Wisdom for Life’s Hard Questions I found something that changed everything. Whithin those pages I read a sentence. “We are never stuck.” And I became grateful, truly grateful. Like Tolle’s The Power of Now, each sentence hitting again and again until you “get it”, I got it from Tiny Buddha. Her courageous vulnerability in doing “cartwheels naked in her front yard” was a gift for her readers. A generous sharing that helped me understand that life isn’t perfect, and neither are we, We must simply move forward, one step at a time, deciding carefully where to take that next step. I choose more carefully now. Thank you, Lori for your contribution. You make an incredible difference.
Hi Claudine,
Thank you for sharing your poignant story. Sounds like even amidst a lot of difficulties, you are finding some healing wisdom to get you growing and moving in a positive direction. You find gratitude, take responsibility for your actions and decisions and take small steps forward. A wonderful recipe for success.
All the best to you.
Harriet
Hi Harriet,
Lori introduced me to the following quote in her 07292012 Tiny Buddha post: “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” -Dr. Seuss
So often we feel sorry something has come to an end when we should be focused on the joy or lesson from the experience. Helping to build memories you can smile about is truly what it is all about
Hi Larae,
I too love that quote. It applies so often when I find myself sad that something so great is now over. What you say about building memories is wonderful. Those good times (that must eventually come to an end) is what builds the fabric of our life and gets incorporated into those wonderful memories that we can feel good about all over again.
Whoops, I meant 07292011 post.
Slowly learning and becoming the person I want to be and Lori’s insights have been helping all of us to push through all that primer and debris we have ourselves burried under. Lori you are a true warrior, inspiration a leader and a soul sister. Much peace and blessings.
Yes, Lori’s insights really help us all wipe away some of those cobwebs and see more clearly. Glad you’re growing into the person you want to be. As long as we’re on this earth, we have the chance to learn,grow and change. People like Lori are beautiful guides.
Harriet – were you able to decide on the winner of the giveaway..just curious and wishing that i would be the lucky one 🙂
Hi FumingSalmon,
Yes, the winner was chosen – it’s Breah. It’s posted in my latest post at: http://rebuildlifenow.com/2012/08/27/welcome-to-rebuild-life-now/
I’m sorry you weren’t the ‘lucky one’ in this case. Thanks for writing in.