Harriet Cabelly, LCSW
Therapist . Speaker . Author
A new year is upon us. Time to think about and carve out some new endeavors and adventures we want for this year; some goals and dreams to go for.
New things involve – you guessed it – Risk-taking. “And the day came when the wish to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Anais Nin
Are we prepared to blossom this year and take some risks?
Without being an active player in our lives and taking on new challenges and things that are important to us, that resonate with our values, that are on our bucket list, that tap into our interests, we risk facing the biggie known as Regrets.
As Mark Twain said, “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.”
I recently read the book, The Five Secrets You Must Discover Before You Die, by John Izzo. I highly recommend it. It’s not at all the typical self-helpy book. It’s a beautiful book on living well gleaned from interviews with ‘older’ people. One very poignant and revealing question he asks in the chapter on Regrets is this: “What might I do differently right now if I were living from the perspective of an old person on the porch looking back at my life?”
I pose this question to all of us as we look out onto a new year ahead of us. Answering this question just may help drive us in the direction of doing some of what we really wish to do, despite those gnawing feelings of fear and doubt.
Failure, setbacks, mistakes are all a part of life and a part of being human. But the sad part is stopping ourselves from reaching for what we want, from going after our dreams and goals, from trying out some of those ‘ify’ things, because of what ‘could’ or ‘might’ happen and because of our fears.
But then regret sets in – “I wish I had; why didn’t I try; I wish, I wish”……. Often times it’s too late to go back and do it.
We can’t allow fear to become more important than what we’re going after. We can accept our fear, say hello to it and then push beyond it and say to it, ‘bye, bye, I’m passing you by now. You can hang out there but I’m getting beyond you.’
Same thing when we’re upset that things didn’t work out as we wanted or planned. Welcome it in, grief it and move on.
I tried to get a book published a few years ago – a memoir on my daughter, Nava’s, year long hospitalization and her three miracles. I had a collaborative writer and an agent actively working on my behalf to try to ‘sell’ the book to a publisher. After about 60 rejections, we called it quits. Now I know that the very first Chicken Soup for the Soul book got about 75 rejections. But we decided to put it to rest at that time. We all worked on this for a year and a half and gave it our all. Naturally, I felt badly that my project failed; that my dream of doing something positive, was not met. But I never regretted for a minute going for it. I obviously didn’t get the outcome I had hoped for, but I went for what was important to me. And that feels good.
Here’s a great quote from an old-timer, Milton Berle. Just read it in my {upcoming} interviewee’s book. (stay tuned for the blog interview Jan. 1st )
“I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might-have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.”
In thinking about what you want to do, if not doing it hints of possible future regret, then go for it.
So what will you go for this year? Call upon your courage to stand tall against your fear in order to do…. What??
Wishing everyone a wonderful New Year filled with Health, Joy and Meaning; and the pursuit of your dreams.
Hello again :).
As always, your posts inspire me to think. I often wonder how I will feel about my life’s choices when looking back many years from now. Will I remember how painful certain circumstances were and forgive myself for the choices I made, or will I regret not pushing myself harder. Will I only see the results (or lack thereof) and not the struggle? Am I “copping out” of difficult decisions by asking my older self to look back on my younger self kindly?
(Unsure if I’m making any sense, but I thought I would share)
Thanks for posting!
Hi Bracha,
Thanks for commenting. Great questions! It’s in the struggle that we find our way. May you find your way- a balance of pushing forward and allowing to just be. As long as we’re not complacent, we continue to grow. And as long as we’re on this earth, may we continue to learn and grow, and question. Remember, it’s in the struggle to break out of the cocoon that he became a beautiful butterfly.
Hi Harriet,
When I think of things I would regret it would definitely be not showing people I love enough how much I love them, not forgiving myself and others enough for things that didn’t turn out as expected or for human mistakes that happen, for not spreading the good that is me on my daily journey, and for letting any day go by without learning something about myself or others.
Best,
Sal
And a very joyful and content New Year to you Harriet!
Hi Sal,
Now that you know what you would regret, you can start implementing some of them into this new year. You’re on your way towards great things in 2012!!
How about we dare each other to be a little outrageous in 2012, Harriet. No point in just ‘hanging around’…..get moving…..create, enjoy, live AND…..don’t settle for less, settle for more.
be good to yourself
David
Hi David,
Your ‘outrageous dare’ is on! We won’t be ‘settling’. We’re striving and attaining.
well I will do my resume (even if I must pay someone to do it for me), write my personal statement and look into schools…and take some type of class to get me ready for grad in Sept..if I get in to non-matriculated program but I dream of music lessons, iceskating lessons, horsebackriding lessons…every time I take the boys for these things…one of these days I will take a few lessons : )
Hi Alicia,
The time is Now. Make your dream a reality by signing up for lessons in one of your areas of interest. That’s your present to yourself to start your year off with a bang. I just signed up for Zumba classes; a first for me.
Great goals with personal statement, schools, resume. One step at a time….
I want to hear back that you are in Action mode.
Great post Harriet. Thank you for sharing how you went for your dream and have no regrets. A great lesson to share.
Last year, I made some vague goals, like write and see where it takes me. I wanted to work on the creativity of writing and it spun into an e-book.
I don’t usually let fear stand in my way when it comes to tasks. For me, I have more regrets when it comes to people. It’s more work to be a self in relating to others from both a place of strength and openness. Happy New Year!
Hi Marci,
Thanks for stopping by to read and comment. Glad you liked this post.
Congratulations on accomplishing your e-book last year.
Your comment on working to be a ‘self in relating to others from a place of strength and openness’ is lovely. So real and vulnerable. I think if we’re truly honest with ourselves, we all have work to do in this area, as it is the most important aspect of our lives – Relationships- and the hardest; especially if we want to create authentic and intimate relationships.
A work in progress.
Hi Harriet,
“What might I do differently right now if I were living from the perspective of an old person on the porch looking back at my life?”
That’s a great one! And the one that your upcoming interviewee quoted was wonderful too!
I’m happy I finally started on the entrepreneurial road last year. That would have certainly been one thing I would have regretted if I hadn’t gone after it.
I dropped by to wish you and let you know that you were on my special list of friends to thank for 2011 🙂
I made a special mention of you on my latest post and had sent a trackback from my site to yours… did you receive it?
Anyway, thank you so much for your support always! I wish you a very happy and prosperous New Year 2012.
Cheers,
Mark
PS: Did you check out my new website?
Hi Mark,
So glad to ‘see’ you here. Yes, I love that question of sitting on the porch looking back. It’s a great way to get us to hone in on what matters to us now.
It’s great that you feel good about your entrepeneurial path. You’re pursuing what’s important to you. And you will be successful!
Thank you so much for the mention. No, I hadn’t received it.
Happy New Year to you and your family. All the best with our new projects.
So much to think about here. 2011 was a hard, hard year. Hitting bottom was horrible, but it was also freeing, and taught me the lessons you describe here.
I learned that fear could be a powerful friend when used correctly.
Uncle Milty’s quote is great!
Hi Tara,
I’m sorry you had such a difficult year. I pray this new year will be easier for you and that you will be able to rebuild it with joy and meaning.
Sounds like you still managed to glean some good lessons though; you were able to see some good through those cobwebs.
Glad you liked ‘Uncle Milty’s quote. I think it’s fabulous and quite a unique way of putting it.
Best to you. And thanks for coming by and commenting. Appreciate it.