Harriet Cabelly, LCSW
Therapist . Speaker . Author
Last week I was invited to do a coaching session with a support group for people with traumatic brain injury (TBI). My topic was dealing with the holiday season.
When I asked my introductory question, “What does this time of year bring up for you”? the typical answers were shared aloud – celebrating, partying, giving, sharing, presents- all the good stuff.
Just as I was going to shift it to the less upbeat ideas, a woman spoke out and said, “I don’t mean to burst anyone’s bubble here but for me it brings up loneliness and sadness.” I reassured her of the absolute reality of these feelings for many people; that she’s certainly not alone in her feelings and that she was articulating what many people there were feeling. Because as she said it, many heads shook in agreement. And then more people piped in around these ideas. And so we were off and running- the good, the bad and the honest in-between.
The theme of gratitude was a biggie as many were glad to be alive considering what they had been through.
One man spoke of wishing he were dead since his life is so radically different than Before the accident; he feels no reason to go on living, other than for his children. That’s kept him here for the past 10 years but in a chronic state of purposelessness and emptiness.
I’ve learned that I must be very concrete and specific in my focus for the group and in the points I want to get across. My two for this session were Self-Care {during this time of year} and Giving.
We need to take care of ourselves in order to manage our stressors; and we all have what to give no matter what our issues or limitations are.
We need to give ourselves permission to feel whatever it is we’re feeling – no ‘shoulds’. That way the pressure to feel a certain way – jovial- during holiday season is off.
I ended with the question, “I want you all to give yourself a present; what will that be?”
One guy’s answer was: he’s reducing his sugar intake so he can start to lose weight. How’s that for a great doable baby step; he must’ve had his own private coach!
Another guy is buying himself the present that nobody else will buy for him (as far as he knows); and if he ends up with two, he’ll return the one he bought himself. But he needs to guarantee himself what he really wants.
Everyone gets a chance to talk. It’s very interactive, fun and lively. Everyone is listened to. They shake their heads, nod their heads, clap their hands – the responsiveness to one another is invigorating. And I leave with a big smile on my face in awe of the group.
And so I put this out to you, my readers:
How do you take care of yourself during this holiday season?
How do you give to others?
If this time of year is rough due to loneliness and sadness, then stepping outside ourselves and doing for another is a great ‘mitigator’ of depression. The world expands beyond our own four walls when we think of others and what we can do for them. We all have strengths that can benefit another.
Here’s to a good holiday season for all. Create it the way you like it. Make it reflect You. Add in pieces of Joy and Fun throughout. And if things come to be that is not to your liking, breathe it in and out deeply and think how this too shall pass. It passes all too quickly, it really does.
Goodness and peace to you all.
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What a beautiful post. I think the true purpose of the Holidays is for us to find ways to expand our lives by giving to others. Thank you for expounding on this concept so beautifully!
Hi Bracha,
Nice to ‘see’ you here. Thanks for commenting. Yes, it’s about expanding. We broaden our own lives when we give to others.
Hope to see you again soon. Best to you.
Share & care should be mandatory at all times. This time of year may seek to highlight this. Why make it a “oncer”?
In gratitude for what we have & who we are…thank you Harriet
be good to yourself
Hi David,
Yes, this time of year does highlight these concepts of share and care. But it’s certainly not a ‘oncer’ as you say so well.
Thank you and may you be blessed with goodness this year forward.
Oh how I love working the holidays so I don’t have to deal with them full force! I can give to others at this time . I make sure my children are surrounded with those who love them.
Hi Alicia,
So nice to ‘see’ you here again. So you’ve found a way to ‘work’ the holidays, by working. And surrounding ourselves with people who love us is a sure win.
Thank you for stopping by and commenting. Best to you.
Hi Harriet,
I just wanted to take this time to wish you a Merry Christmas and a most prosperous and Joyous New year. I also wanted to thank you for your website and your contribution to my life. Back in (now it seems back when) the beginning of September when I found myself realizing I was in a deep dark hole, that I hadn’t previously noticed, and having no idea how I would get out, you were one of the first few I contacted just to write it out and see it in front of me. Slowly but surely I have come what seems like a long way. I did it with little steps that I had no energy or motivation to take if it hadn’t been for the inspiration that provided the belief that it could indeed get better and I could get out. Thanks to your supportive replies and reading your blogs I am emmensely better. I have a handful of websites that are precious to me and your’s is one of them.
Where I work, at the VA Medical Center, we treat many veteran’s with TBI. The obstacles they overcome are amazing. It takes time and patience which people with TBI have trouble with because of the frustration and huge effort it takes to complete what used to be simple tasks and get their emotional bearings just to get to the point of functioning out in the world again. Depending on the severity of their brain injury, they have a myriad of symptomatology that covers a broad spectrum of mental, physical, and emotional landscapes. As I transcribe medical reports regarding them I see how hard they work to recover and do, by and large, return to the outside world, being able to tolerate what comes easy to the rest of us.
My son did two tours in the mid-east, with the Marine Corps, the last in Afghanistan. I am eternally grateful that he came home healthy and whole. During his last tour he experienced incredible sadness, as two of his best buddies, both only 21, didn’t come back with his unit. I felt so helpless watching him experience the guilt of being alive. Thank goodness he’s back to normal and functioning, going to school to become a paramedic and firefighter, and is enjoying a happy marriage to his highschool sweetheart. They just had their 4th anniversary. My eldest son who is 43 and Zac who is 27 are very important in my life.
I have been enjoying a wonderful holiday season so far this year, but that wasn’t always so. I had many years where I was down and totally depressed every holiday season because it mirrored and intensified how dissatisfied I was with my life and my circumstances. Now I finally realize in totality that I’m not a victim. I have the tiny bit of control that I can exercise to change myself and my attitudes, and know that I can’t change the world. I do, however, have a daily effect in my own little world and those around me, family, friends, and coworkers. I’m not waiting to be happy “when.” I am enough now (with room for improvement of course), I have enough of what I need, I have a job I like, and I’m blessed with all of the above.
This holiday season I have been present to enjoy it, and I’m continuing to do so. I wanted to take the time to thank you Harriet for your support and your site. I check in often, and have come quiite some distance from the bottom of that pit. Anything I’ve gained is through “Grace,” from the Divine Wit that has restored a sense of humor to my life. I can’t change all the rotten things that go on in the world, but i can effect change in my “little world” by being as loving as possible to those around me, even those who are a tremendous challenge in terms of patience. I feel like I’ve arrived! I’m still on the journey, but there’s no nervous destination I have to get to before I can be happy. Happiness is in the little everyday things in life that I found out after I broke my hip were precious. I’m happy to be whole again! Again, Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year, Harriet!
Blessings,
Sal
Hi Sal,
Thank you so much for your wonderful comment. I wish you and your family all the best this holiday season and new year. May good things come your way.
I’m glad you have found my website/blog to be helpful. You are certainly motivated to grow and improve and are clearly doing so. How wonderful!!
As they say, ‘keep on truckin’.
Best to you.
I’m late to the party but so much of this post spoke to me that I wanted to comment. This is my third holiday since I was diagnosed with PTSD. After an unexpected flare-up this fall I decided to give myself permission to do anything I wanted to this holiday — just said to heck with all the should’s & ought to’s. I put up half the decorations, just my favorites. Spent more time cooking with my daughter, coloring in holiday coloring books, watching old movies. I made a meal with nothing but hors d’oeuvres. I stopped knocking myself out trying to make gifts or buy just the right thing for people who didn’t seem to care anyway — got gift cards at the grocery store and earned gas points at the same time. And guess what? One of the nicest holidays ever. 🙂
Hi Tara,
Love that you came by and commented. No such thing as ‘late to the party’ in blog posting. I’m glad this piece ‘spoke’ to you.
I’m so glad that in doing it your way and taking care of yourself without all the pressure of ‘shoulds’, that you had a really nice holiday. A great lesson to all. It’s about giving ourselves permission that often times it’s Enough, and that’s good enough. It’s about self-care and you obviously succeeded. Bravo to you.
(BTW- I’m trying to comment on your blog but can’t seem to get it. I’ll keep trying.)