I’ve got a few friends going through some really tough times now. And I’m feeling so helpless. I think of them and their situations very often and feel really awful. Thinking of them, feeling for them, empathizing, doesn’t cut it.
Yes, I know – Be there for them. But how does being there translate into action?
I reach out by calling and emailing but of course that just doesn’t seem enough. There’s not much concrete, hands-on help needed. It’s more the emotional aspect.
Listening a lot, saying little, acknowledging the difficulties and being encouraging by pointing out their strengths. I know the answer is in that all encompassing word – supportive.
What does supportive even mean? It means being a person who can hold up another through their ordeal. It’s being that pillar onto which they can lean and unload their heavy burden before it weakens them to the core. It means it’s a one-sided friendship (for now) where you’re connecting with them for their sake only. It can mean going through some pretty heavy darkness without rushing in to point out the possible light that they’re not yet able (or ready) to see. It means being with them where they’re at.
It means being a really good listener. And when they say, “I can’t keep unloading on you like this”, saying, “yes, you can, I’m here to listen, that’s the least I can do.”
Nobody can take away someone’s pain and sadness but helping them feel less alone while going through it is Huge.
I think back to when I went through one of the hardest times in my life – when my daughter, Nava, went through a near-fatal medical crisis and was hospitalized for one year. The visits, the calls, the talks, the cards, definitely helped in terms of feeling embraced by people.
I’m going to sleep many nights lately thinking about friend A, B and C and asking myself repeatedly “what else can I be doing?” It’s tough thinking about your friends really suffering. And then I think about simply being there for them by offering my supportive friendship. And the next day when I get in my car I call friend A and ask, “How are you, really?” because I really want to know.
Thanks for coming by. I hope some of this resonates for you. Feel free to share in the comment section and of course to share.
