We often have no control over a lousy circumstance. A death, an illness, an accident, a breakup, a job loss – these things can just happen to us, without any responsibility on our part. (Although we need to always check ourselves to see if and what our part may have been, from which we can then learn and grow)
We can control how we move through and beyond the pain of the situation.
The big question is: do we desire healing? This seems so obvious. Of course, we all want relief from pain. But often it seems like we become a victim of our pain. We remain focused on the other, on what someone else did to us, on what God did to us, on what the world did to us, and we remain feeling connected in a reproachful way.
A key to healing is to look to yourself, to “sweep in front of your own house”, to defocus on the offender and decide how you’re going to recreate your life. In this regard, self-focus is needed.
It is all too easy to stay fixated on blame and offenses done to us. That keeps us stuck in our lousy situation and certainly in the drama of it. We need to disconnect to begin to heal.
How do we look towards peace and healing?
We “can’t heal what we don’t feel”. (David Kessler, grief specialist)
- So feeling is the first order – let yourself feel the pain. Feel all the sadness, rage, shock, jealousy. Let it wash through you. Emotions don’t remain static; they shift and move as the wind, blowing us here and there.
- Use “I” statements – they keep us empowered. “You” statements keep us connected to the other in blame and victimhood.
- Stay in your own business. What are you doing with your situation? What steps are you taking towards adjusting and moving in a different direction? How are you showing up?
This is Your life! Take control of yourself – your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Work them through. The pain will shift and you can look forward to better times.
Feeling stuck? As an adversity and resiliency coach (social worker by professional title), I journey with you through your grief towards healing. 
