Proactively Supporting A Friend In Need

Two of my close friends are going through difficult times: one due to the death of her mother with whom she had a very beautiful and close relationship, and the other with generalized anxiety and despair.

In my attempts to be a good supportive friend, I’ve come to a realization.  It’s not enough to say, “I’m here for you” or “if you need anything, let me know what I can do.”  All that does is put the burden on them to figure out what they need or could use.  The other statement I found myself saying was, “I’m here whenever you want to talk.”  Again, they have to then become proactive and reach out.  When we’re in a bad way, we’re not necessarily into the reaching out part.

How much better it is to step up and in and do what you know the person might need.  I know my friend whose mom died needs to talk a lot about it.  I’m not going to wait for her to call me when she feels the need; I’m calling her often to check in and spend time listening.  And I will make it a point to drive out to her over the next couple of months.  Asking would only yield, “no, don’t bother, it’s a long drive, it’s O.K.”

And my telling her daughter to call me if she ever wants to talk about her grandma, well that’s probably not going to happen.  But if I call her and say “I’ll come out to you one day this week and we’ll go to Starbucks,  which day is good for you”, now that might be a go.

After going out with my friend whose more than a bit down, and hearing a few days later that he felt a bit lighter after our talk, I called him up to say “let’s do it again soon,let me know when you want to talk over some hot chocolate.”

I realized he’s not going to call me.  He’s not a reacher-outer in the best of times, he’s certainly not going to do it now.  I need to call and invite him out with a specific date and time.

These generic statements of “I’m here, call me” don’t  work for most people who are in emotional pain.

It reminds me of these open-ended invitations to come over some time.  If we really want them over, a more specific time frame might yield the result of actually spending time together.

When we’re down and troubled, we want to be taken care of.  (Of course there are those who want to be left alone.) We want to have our needs met without having to ask.  Now true, people aren’t mind-readers and we sometimes do need to tell others what we want.  But if we know the person well and can anticipate their needs and wants, how much better is it to initiate the supportive and helpful actions and truly be there for a friend in need.

 

What do you do or say to support/help a friend?

Here’s a great article on what to say and not say to someone who’s sick.

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If you ever find yourself in need of professional (and friendly) support, contact me here:  I may not drive 2 hours to you, but the phone/skype work well too.