Harriet Cabelly, LCSW
Therapist . Speaker . Author
In thinking about transitioning and moving on, as I am about to be doing in my ‘retirement’ now, I think about this past year’s big change in having my daughter move out on her own.
Moving on takes many forms. For Nava, my daughter with disabilities, it has meant her moving into a group home.
We as parents hopefully grow with our children. It’s good we have many years to raise our kids so we get time to adjust to them, work through issues and make our own adjustments to situations.
I’ve grown into accepting that this would be Nava’s version of moving out and on; that this would be her independent living. She feels that this is her new life and that she is on her own like her sisters and friends. And she feels great about it.
When she moved she wanted to let people know her new address; and so we made up pretty “I Moved” cards.
I purposely don’t call her every day. But when almost a week goes by and she doesn’t call and I ‘allow’ myself to call, I ask her why she hasn’t called all week and she says, “I’m independent now; we don’t have to speak all the time.” We still haven’t negotiated a balance of checking in on the phone, but that’s O.K. Her sense of pride and self-sufficiency is way more important than my need to have her call me more often. Right now it’s on her schedule; another way of letting her be in control of her life.
My goal as a parent, specifically in light of the fact that I didn’t know how far she would be able to go, was to get her to be as independent and as highly functional as possible. I must say I feel good about my efforts and the outcome of her abilities.
A key parenting value has always been- and I’m sure it’s because of having Nava- to help our children be the best they can be and reach their potential in whatever shape and form that takes. And to help them feel good about who they are. Not who we want them to be, but who they innately are.
Nava has successfully moved on in her new phase of living away from home. She has made a good adjustment to the group home, appears to be happy there and takes pride in being “on my own”.
I hope my new phase will mirror hers and that I will successfully adjust, be happy and productive and take pride in my ‘being on my own’, away from a structured job environment.
Any new upcoming transitions or phases in your life? What gives you a sense of pride lately?
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Great post Harriet. and a lesson for all parents not just those in your situation. This is wonderfully timely with a group of Freshman leaving the nest and taking off for college in a few months. Growing up and letting go has so many transitions. Taylor, now a junior is getting her first apartment with a friend off campus. Now when she says “My apartment” – my heart skips a beat. But it is her next big step towards independence and I need to be there to give her support and let her now live on her own and not in a dorm which never feels like a home. And her feeling of pride at having gotten to that next phase where she has her own place is really important to her. So I take a breath and we talk about towels!
Being “on my own” as your Nava says is very important for all kids and yet they must know there is the old homestead if they want or need it.
I wish Nava and you the best of luck in this new phase of your relationship. I know how hard you two have worked on her becoming an adult and what an extraordinary mother you have been to your special daughter. You will now have so many new things to share!
Hi Tracey,
Thank you for your wonderful comment.
I wish Taylor the best in her first apartment.
It is hard to keep letting go of more and more of the rope so that the kite can fly higher and higher. But as know through all our parenting stuff – kids need to have their roots and we must allow them their wings.
Thank you for your wishes. And next time I find myself taking that breath, I’ll talk towels too. Ha!!
The lesson that I am learning as my kids grow and move on is to keep my silence. I find it so easy to give advice, to guide, to direct and to provide information. The hardest thing is to hold my tongue and say nothing. But I find that it is so important in order to allow them to make their own decisions without the pressure of “public opinion” or the burden of pleasing a parent. So I try to stay quiet, and share my “wisdom” only if requested to do so.
Hi Helaine,
Great lesson. Yes, it is So hard to hold back from speaking our ‘parental wisdom’, but so necessary at times in order to allow them to tap into their own voices and opinions. Many times with parenting, as with other things, less is more. And to find that balance is a juggling act.
Thank you for visiting. All the best.
Hi Harriet,
A nice piece. I am sure you are a very proud parent & deservedly so. Our children do ‘need to find their own legs’ & we need to be there to support when necessary.
be good to yourself
David
Hi David,
Support is the key. Sometimes it’s hard to act on that fine line of support and, I’ll say, ‘oversupport’.
And yes, I am proud.
Thanks.
Hi! you should be proud because as a parent you’ve done your very best to nurture your daughter and now you see the outcome of your labor, be proud also to your daughter because she’s now enjoying the life of being independent and she’s exercising her freedom to do what she want accompanied by responsibility of her decision she’ll make. God bless. .
Hi Elpidio,
Thanks for visiting and commenting. I am very proud of my daughter and pleased with where she is in life. Hopefully she’ll continue to grow in all areas of her life, as we all hope to do.
All the best.
Harriet, this is lovely. I was touched by the line …”Her sense of pride and self-sufficiency is way more important than my need to have her call me more often.”
You are an incredible mother to do that for your daughter as most people would find it very hard to just focus on what their child needs. Even though my kids are younger, I have already learnt the lesson that as a parent it’s important to know when to be there but equally as important to know when not to be there.
Thank you for this.
Shazia.x
Hi Shazia,
You are so right – knowing as you say, ‘when not to be there’ or as I like to say, to step back, and let them do for themselves and even sometimes struggle a bit. For as you know, it’s in the struggle that we grow.
Too often our needs as parents get intermingled and enmeshed as being our kids needs, when they’re not truly our children’s needs. We need to be able to step back and look into ourselves to see. Parenting needs to be a very reflective process.
Love this post – it’s such a tough thing as a special needs parent to allow ANY of the growing up. We want it, crave it… and then fear it most times when it comes. I have my oldest at sleep-away camp this week. She’s developmentally delayed, struggles with mental illness, but is pleased as punch to be away and on her own, getting grimy-er than dirt in the mountains. I can’t help but giggle when I think about it – about how much I freak out to let her go be that independent kid I want her so much to become. Thanks for your sweet story here about Nava. Nice to discover you through Jolene Philo’s Different Dream.
Hi Laurie,
Thank you so much for stopping by to read this and post such a wonderfully vivid comment. I see and feel your words- you’re a great writer.
It is hard as parents to let go, especially as parents of kids with special needs. I feel it’s because we put sooo much time and attention (with all the ‘shlepping’ to therapists and extra services), that when we’re finally ‘done’ so to speak, it’s hard to step back and just let go. We’ve worked so hard at helping them be as independent as possible and now we’re seeing the real test. Can they manage? Do they need more help? And on and on. (hope this makes sense for a Comment)
Glad to ‘meet’ you. Hope you’ll come by again.
Harriet, this is a beautiful post ~ hats off to you for allowing Nava the space + support she needs to grow. (Exactly what I hope my Your Life, Supported coaching to allow other parents to do!)
Thank you for sharing this ~ I’ll definitely link back to it in the future!
Hi Caroline,
Thank you for stopping by and commenting.
I love the idea behind your site. It is so needed.