Harriet Cabelly, LCSW
Therapist . Speaker . Author
Loss is a theme that runs throughout our lives. Death is the most obvious and recognized type of loss. However, loss goes way beyond death.
Look at some common everyday events that {surprisingly} connote a loss.
Weaning – where the baby loses the breast and moves on to the cup.
Toilet training – where the baby loses the security of the diaper and moves on to the toilet.
Both involve growth to a next phase. These are what I call positive developmental losses. This may sound like an oxymoron – can a loss be positive. But yes, they are necessary to the growth and development of the child. They certainly cause discomfort for the baby and require getting used to. But they are predictable and natural progressions of life.
The empty nest syndrome can be seen as a loss; a loss of a family structure that has now changed and dwindled down to it’s original one or two person household. The Gypsy Nesters don’t see it that way. They think it’s the greatest thing to have no kids at home anymore – no loss there for them; only excitement for a new phase of life and pride in a job well done. (Do check out their blog; it is very entertaining.)
Many transitions in life can be seen as losses. It’s the loss of the old and familiar. It’s hard to let go of what was. And that’s why many times we remain stuck. But when we can connect to our feelings and to what’s really going on, we can begin to adjust and carve out new ways of living.
However, we need to look at loss in terms of the meaning attached to it. We have to understand what the event means to someone else. And we can’t assume because we might feel something as a loss that someone else might also.
Unemployment may be seen as a terrible loss. Aside from the financial loss, our whole identity may be wrapped up in our job and once that’s gone, a part of us feels gone. Whereas to somebody else it may represent free time while collecting unemployment checks and an opportunity to explore new areas of interest.
When I got divorced, people said to me, “Oh, I’m so sorry” to which I often answered, “don’t be sorry, I’m not.” Now of course it was a loss of a marriage and the break- up of a family which is sad and unfortunate, especially where children are involved. But I personally felt no loss, no grief, only relief.
In general, loss of any nature demands change. This is where growth and transformation comes in.
The losses that shake our very foundation, that hit at the core level of our existence, will naturally require more work to get to that point of change and growth. But it’s certainly doable. We’re all ‘growable’.
Watch for my next post on growing beyond.
What have been some of your positive losses?
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We attach ourselves to many things. Some are unhealthy from a growth perspective. We need to detach or lose to allow positive growth occur. It’s like one door closing and another opening. I guess that if I hadn’t left the ‘safety’ of my Real EState job(loss), I wouldn’t be corresponding with you now, nor would I be Life Coaching. Thankyou.
be good to yourself
David
Hi David,
Yes, loss breed growth, if we’re open to it. That’s the key – to open ourselves up to new possibilities; to create and attach new dreams to our new reality, after a loss or disappointment. No easy task.
Thanks for your comment.
Hi Harriet,
I never thought of potty training being a loss for toddlers. LOL And as far as empty nesters…I had so much fun with my four daughters it was a huge loss not to have their high energy and laughter around.
Hi Tess,
Yes, it’s funny about the potty training. When we have to give up something for something else, even for our growth and improvement, it can be a loss. We’re giving up the security and attachment to one thing and trading it in and moving on to something else – not easy to forfeit that comfort zone.
Obviously for you as most others it was a loss not to have your daughters around. It’s a tremendous void. That’s why some go and fill it with doggies! How have you adjusted to it?
Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing.
When my husband passed away, many years ago, I couldn’t believe that the world still turned. It was a devastating loss. We were both relatively young and he was my love.
My husband, today, is one of the reasons I’m the happiest woman on the planet. Whilst I would never have chosen loss on this scale…who in their right mind would? I honour it for the person I have become and the life I lead.
Great post Harriet. Thank you.
Hi Elle,
So nice to have you come by.
I am so sorry about your loss. You experienced an early lesson in the fragility of life, but one that I see has taught you many lessons on how to live life well.
I’m happy for you that you have re-found happiness with another loving man and that you are pleased with who you are and with your life. What more can we ask for!!!
Hi David!
Ur article with a very deep meaning. People are always have to lose smth or smbd…Without loss we wouldnt appreciate what we already have.This is the rule of Universe i think. But we can choose our attitude to loss…
Thank you…i would like to read ur articles on the same topics…
Hi Sophia,
I love what you wrote, that we can choose our attitude to loss. That is the key because as you say we always have to lose something or somebody. That’s the human condition.
Thank you for visiting this blog. Come by again.
A few months ago my boyfriend and I parted ways. I was in full belief that we were on the path to marriage as we had an amazing relationships and had raised two puppies together. For sure I had grown into an identity I was so proud of and grounded in. When we decided he had other plans in mind and we split up I felt a huge loss, the loss of something to be proud of, everything i had put my energy and love into and the joy of being a mommy to our furry children.
That was months ago and these days I’m filling that void with an understanding that all that love and devotion I put into that relationship I can now put into myself. I can now be my own best boyfriend and be fully committed, for life, to me. it feels weird sometimes but I’m leaning into it and being very patient with myself. And instead of feeling “loss” as if something is missing, I’m holding that space open to all this new life shift has to offer.
peace and love,
Diane
Hi Diane,
Wow, I’m very impressed with what you write about how you’re ‘leaning into it and being very patient with myself.’ And that you’re ‘holding that space open to all this new life shift has to offer.’
And that you’re starting to take loving care of yourself. Sounds like you’re on a good and healthy path.
I am sorry though for your loss especially in light of having expectations of marriage.
Thank you for sharing. I hope you’ll come by again. Nice to ‘meet’ you.